Can a couples intensive help with affair recovery?
A couples intensive can help with affair recovery when both partners want to try to rebuild the relationship and the affair has ended. Concentrated time allows the hurt, the disclosure and the first steps of repair to be worked through without waiting a week between each stage. Research on couples therapy after infidelity is cautiously encouraging, although there are no studies of intensives specifically for affair recovery.
What needs to be in place first
A couples intensive is couples therapy in concentrated form. Like any couples therapy, it works best when both partners want to work on the relationship. After an affair, that is not always the case. Before an intensive for affair recovery, three things usually need to be true:
- Both partners want to try. If either partner is seriously considering leaving and doubts that therapy can help, discernment counselling may be the right first step. It is designed to help a divided couple decide whether to try repair before repair begins.
- The affair has ended. Rebuilding trust while the affair continues is very difficult, and many therapists will want it to be over before recovery work starts.
- Neither partner is afraid of the other. Joint work is not appropriate where there is violence, threats or control, whatever else has happened in the relationship.
Why concentrated time can help
The weeks after an affair is discovered are often chaotic. Conversations happen late at night, go round in circles and end badly. Weekly therapy can help, but each session may be spent dealing with the latest crisis.
An intensive offers a different rhythm. With several hours or days, a couple can:
- Move from the first, raw conversations to a fuller understanding of what happened, without stopping at the end of an hour
- Work through difficult disclosures with a therapist present throughout, instead of alone at home between sessions
- Begin to understand the state the relationship was in before the affair, once the immediate crisis has been addressed
- Leave with a shared plan for the weeks that follow
What the work usually involves
Approaches differ, but affair recovery usually moves through stages, which an intensive can begin and, in some cases, take a long way.
Stabilising
The first task is to steady both partners enough to work. The hurt partner may be in shock, flooded with anger or grief, or unable to sleep. The involved partner may be defensive, ashamed or desperate. Some time is usually needed to make the room safe enough for the harder conversations.
Understanding and disclosure
The hurt partner usually has questions. Answering them honestly is part of rebuilding trust, but some kinds of detail can create new wounds. A therapist helps the couple decide what is useful to share and how.
Taking responsibility
Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, distinguishes the hurt partner from the involved partner. He writes about the built-in imbalance between them during repair, and about the difference between being sorry for the affair and being sorry for the damage it has caused.
Looking at the relationship
Once the immediate crisis has been addressed, couples often need to look at what the relationship had become: distance, resentment, unmet needs or a pattern neither had named. This is part of building something stronger, whether or not those patterns played a part in the affair.
Planning for afterwards
An intensive usually ends with a plan: what each partner will do differently, how they will handle the hard moments that will come, and what follow-up support is in place.
What the research shows
There is no research on couples intensives specifically for affair recovery. There is some research on couples therapy after infidelity more generally, and it is cautiously encouraging.
- In a randomised trial of behavioural couple therapy, couples affected by an affair started treatment more distressed than other couples. Those whose affair had been revealed before or during therapy improved in satisfaction more than couples without an affair, although this group was small.
- In a community sample in Germany and Austria, 145 couples who sought therapy because of infidelity started more distressed and more depressed than 385 other couples. They continued to improve through therapy and up to six months afterwards, when they were no longer distinguishable from the other couples.
These were studies of weekly couples therapy. They suggest that an affair does not in itself make recovery impossible, but they do not tell us how an intensive format compares.
After the intensive
Trust after an affair is rebuilt over time, through what each partner does day after day. An intensive can make a substantial start, but most couples need follow-up support while that happens. It also helps to know in advance what to do when something triggers the hurt again, as it often will.
Common questions
How soon after finding out about an affair should we do an intensive?
There is no fixed rule. Some couples want help in the first few weeks, when the shock is greatest. Others need time for the immediate crisis to settle. It is worth discussing timing at a consultation, along with what support each of you has in the meantime.
What if the affair is still going on?
Repair work is very difficult while an affair continues. Many therapists will want the affair to have ended before couples work on recovery begins. If the partner who had the affair is unsure whether to end it, discernment counselling may be a better first step.
Will the details of the affair be discussed?
Some will, because the hurt partner usually has questions that need honest answers. A therapist helps the couple decide what information is helpful to share and how, so that disclosure supports repair instead of adding new injuries.
Can one intensive repair an affair?
An intensive can make substantial progress, but recovery from an affair usually takes longer than a few days. Most couples need follow-up support while trust is rebuilt in daily life.
Lucy Orton's couples intensives combine Relational Life Therapy with trauma-informed work using IFS and Brainspotting where needed. As a Certified Sex Therapist, she can also work with the sexual side of rebuilding trust, without referring you elsewhere.
References
- Atkins, D. C., Eldridge, K. A., Baucom, D. H., & Christensen, A. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144-150. doi:10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.144
- Atkins, D. C., Marín, R. A., Lo, T. T., Klann, N., & Hahlweg, K. (2010). Outcomes of couples with infidelity in a community-based sample of couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 212-216. doi:10.1037/a0018789
- Terry Real. Coming back from infidelity: How to heal after an affair. terryreal.com/articles/how-to-get-over-infidelity
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.