What is Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is a skills-based approach to couples therapy developed by the family therapist Terry Real. It focuses on the patterns each partner learned in childhood, which once protected them and now get in the way of intimacy, and it teaches practical relational skills. RLT therapists are direct and active, and they work with both the relationship and each individual. There is currently little published research on its outcomes.
Where RLT comes from
Relational Life Therapy was developed by Terry Real, a family therapist and the author of books including I Don't Want to Talk About It, The New Rules of Marriage and Us. He founded the Relational Life Institute to train therapists in the approach and to bring its ideas to a wider audience. The Institute describes RLT as having been developed over more than thirty years of clinical work.
The core idea: old strategies that no longer fit
Terry Real teaches that each of us carries adaptive patterns from childhood. These are protective strategies that once kept us safe but now limit intimacy. A partner who learned early to stay in control may now dominate. A partner who learned to keep the peace may now withdraw or give in. In a relationship, these strategies meet, and the couple gets stuck in a pattern that neither chose.
RLT pays particular attention to shame and grandiosity. Real's work describes helping people heal patterns of shame, grandiosity and distance, and RLT training for therapists includes specific work with grandiose, or superior, partners.
A skills-based approach
The Relational Life Institute describes RLT as a practical, skills-based model. Alongside understanding where patterns come from, couples are taught relational skills to use in daily life, including how to move from blame towards responsibility and how to repair after a rupture. The aim is for couples to keep using these skills long after therapy has ended.
How an RLT therapist works
The Relational Life Institute describes Terry Real's approach as direct. Instead of staying neutral, an RLT therapist may say plainly what they see each partner doing and what it is costing the relationship.
The Institute's training for therapists describes several elements of the model, including:
- Three phases of RLT, which give the work its structure
- Three parts of the psyche, which the therapist works with in sessions
- The Relational Grid, used to understand each partner's relational stance
These are taught in the Institute's own training. This page does not describe them in more detail, because the Institute presents them as clinical tools for trained practitioners.
RLT and infidelity
The Relational Life Institute includes working with infidelity as one of the core courses in its certification path for therapists. In his writing on affairs, Terry Real distinguishes the hurt partner from the involved partner. He addresses the imbalance between them during repair, and the difference between being sorry for the affair and being sorry for the damage it has caused.
RLT in an intensive format
Some practitioners offer RLT as an intensive, and its directness may suit concentrated time. When a therapist is willing to name a pattern clearly in the first hours, there is time in the same day to work with the reaction, practise a new response and repair. In weekly sessions, the same sequence may stretch across several weeks.
Some practitioners combine RLT with methods for individual trauma work, such as Internal Family Systems or Brainspotting. This reflects the RLT view that patterns in the relationship often have roots in each person's history. The combination is a matter of clinical judgement and has not been studied as such.
What the research shows
We have not found published controlled studies of RLT outcomes in peer-reviewed journals. The approach is widely taught, and the Relational Life Institute reports that thousands of practitioners worldwide use it. That shows that it is popular with clinicians. It does not show how well it works compared with other approaches or with no treatment.
This puts RLT in a similar position to many couples therapies used in private practice. Choosing it is a reasonable clinical decision, based on its model and on practitioners' experience, but you should be cautious about any claim that it is proven.
Who RLT may suit
RLT may suit couples who:
- Want a therapist who will be direct instead of only reflective
- Feel stuck in a repeated pattern, such as one partner pursuing and the other withdrawing
- Want practical skills as well as insight
- Are dealing with the aftermath of an affair and both want to try to repair
As with any couples therapy, it is not appropriate where either partner is afraid of the other.
Common questions
Is RLT only for couples?
RLT is mainly a couples approach, but Terry Real's work also addresses individuals, including people who are single and want to build healthier relationships. Some RLT practitioners work with one partner when the other is not willing to attend.
Is RLT the same as Imago or the Gottman Method?
No. These are separate approaches with their own founders, training and techniques. This page describes RLT only as its own founder and institute describe it.
Is RLT suitable after an affair?
RLT has a specific approach to infidelity, and the Relational Life Institute includes working with infidelity in its core training for therapists. Terry Real's work on affairs distinguishes the hurt partner from the involved partner and addresses the imbalance between them during repair.
Is RLT evidence-based?
Not in the formal sense. RLT is widely used and taught, but we have not found published controlled studies of its outcomes. Its use rests on clinical experience and on its founder's model, not on trial evidence.
Lucy Orton is trained in RLT through Terry Real's Relational Life Institute and uses it in couples intensives, online worldwide and occasionally in person in South East Asia.
References
- Terry Real. About Terry Real. terryreal.com/about
- Terry Real. Couples therapy training. terryreal.com/couples-therapy-training
- Relational Life Institute. Couples therapy practice. terryreal.com/couples-therapy-practice
- Terry Real. Coming back from infidelity: How to heal after an affair. terryreal.com/articles/how-to-get-over-infidelity
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.