Discernment counselling for high-net-worth couples: what's different?
Discernment counselling (spelled discernment counseling in the US) works the same way for high-net-worth couples as for anyone else: one to five sessions, mostly separate conversations, and a choice between three paths. What differs is the setting around the decision: shared assets and businesses, family and advisers with a stake in the outcome, and the need for privacy. The process helps by keeping the decision about the relationship separate from those pressures, without treating wealth itself as the problem.
The method does not change
Discernment counselling was developed by Bill Doherty and colleagues at the University of Minnesota for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. Its structure is the same whatever a couple's circumstances. There are between one and five sessions. The first lasts two hours and later ones an hour and a half. Most of each session is spent in separate conversations between the counsellor and each partner, and both decide at the end of each session whether to continue. The process ends with a choice between three paths: stay as things are for now, move towards separation, or commit to six months of couples therapy with separation off the table.
Nothing about significant wealth calls for a different method. The published account of discernment counselling describes a process built around each person's position and contribution, and that applies to every couple. What changes is the setting in which the decision is being made.
What is different about the setting
For couples with significant wealth, a decision about the relationship is rarely only about the relationship. Several things tend to sit around it.
| Factor | How it can affect the decision |
|---|---|
| Shared businesses or assets | Separating can mean unwinding a company, a family investment or a property portfolio, which can make leaving feel impossible or staying feel like a business decision |
| Advisers | Lawyers, wealth managers and family office staff may each have a view, and sometimes a stake, in what happens |
| Family | Wider family may be involved in the wealth, the business or the children's future, and may have expectations of their own |
| Visibility | A separation may become public, affect a company or a board, or be reported in the press |
| Differences in control | One partner may hold most of the wealth or the information about it, which can affect how free each feels to choose |
| Legal arrangements | Prenuptial or postnuptial agreements, trusts and jurisdiction can shape the practical consequences of each path |
None of these makes the decision about the relationship itself different in kind. They do make it harder to think about the relationship clearly, because so much else is attached to it.
Keeping the relationship decision separate
The main thing discernment counselling offers in this setting is a protected space in which the question is only about the relationship: what happened, what each person contributed, and whether it is worth trying to repair.
This matters most for the partner who is leaning out. When a separation would set off legal, financial and family consequences, it is easy for the practical cost of leaving to become the reason to stay, or for the strength of someone's position to become a way to win concessions. The developers of discernment counselling observed that some partners who were leaning out appeared to use their position as a bargaining tool, and that counsellors challenged this in the individual conversations. Discernment counselling asks both partners to look at the practical stakes honestly, without letting them make the decision.
For the partner who is leaning in, the focus is the same as for any couple: hearing what their partner is saying, responding constructively under pressure, and looking at their own part. Where that partner has less control of the wealth, their individual time is also a place to say honestly how dependent or exposed they feel.
Where advisers fit
Discernment counselling began through a collaboration with a family court judge and a group of divorce lawyers, who recognised that many of their clients were not as certain about divorce as the legal process assumed. In the project where the method was developed, about half of the couples had already seen a divorce lawyer before starting. Couples who had seen a lawyer were more likely to choose divorce and less likely to choose reconciliation than couples who had not.
That finding is not a reason to avoid lawyers. It is a reminder that the order of conversations can matter. Advisers are often essential once a couple has chosen a path, especially if they choose to separate. During discernment counselling, the decision about the relationship is best kept between the couple and the counsellor.
Privacy
Couples with public roles or prominent families often worry about who will know they are seeking help. Confidentiality in counselling is a professional obligation, set out in each counsellor's code of ethics, and it covers records as well as conversations. It has limits, normally including serious risk of harm to someone, and a counsellor should explain those limits at the start.
Beyond confidentiality, practical privacy is worth planning: how sessions are booked and paid for, whether they take place online or in a private setting, and who in the household or business needs to know. These questions are covered in more detail in the article on privacy for high-profile clients.
If you choose to separate
If a couple chooses separation, discernment counselling helps them agree how they want to treat each other during the process, for example respectfully and with the children's needs first, and connects them with professionals who support a constructive separation. For couples with complex finances, those professionals will usually include specialist family lawyers and financial advisers. Discernment counselling does not advise on any of the legal or financial questions.
If you choose to try reconciliation
If a couple chooses the third path, six months of couples therapy begins, starting with a written agenda of the changes each partner wants to make in themselves. For couples whose schedules or locations make weekly sessions difficult, that work can begin with a concentrated block of time, followed by further sessions over the six months.
This article is general information, not legal or financial advice.
Common questions
Should our lawyers or financial advisers be involved in discernment counselling?
Not in the sessions. Discernment counselling is a conversation between the couple and the counsellor about the future of the relationship. Advisers may matter a great deal later, especially if a couple chooses to separate, but the process works best when the decision itself is not being made in front of them.
Does a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement change anything?
It can change how the practical consequences of separating feel to each partner, and that is worth talking about honestly in the individual conversations. It does not change the method. Questions about what an agreement means legally belong with a family lawyer.
We have very different levels of wealth. Will that be a problem?
Differences in wealth, earnings or control of money are common in couples and can shape how safe each partner feels to stay or leave. A good discernment counsellor will make room for that in each partner's individual time, without taking a side.
Can discernment counselling be kept confidential from our family and staff?
What you say is confidential within the limits your counsellor sets out at the start, which normally include serious risk of harm. Practical privacy, such as how sessions are scheduled, where they take place and who knows about them, is worth agreeing in advance.
Lucy Orton is trained in Discernment Counseling through the Doherty Relationship Institute and offers it internationally and online, including to couples whose lives involve significant wealth, shared businesses and public visibility.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
- Australian Counselling Association. Code of Ethics and Practice, version 16, sections 9 to 11 (confidentiality and exceptional circumstances). theaca.net.au
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.