What are the three paths at the end of discernment counselling?
At the end of discernment counselling, a couple chooses one of three paths: stay as things are for now, move towards separation or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with separation off the table. The third path is a time-limited attempt at reconciliation, after which the couple decides again with fuller information. No path is treated as a failure.
Why three paths and not two
Couples on the brink of separation usually see the choice as stay or go. Discernment counselling (discernment counseling in the US) reframes it as three paths. The third option changes the decision. It allows a partner who is leaning out to try reconciliation without having to promise that the relationship will last, and it gives a partner who is leaning in a real chance to show that change is possible.
| Path | What it means | What usually happens next |
|---|---|---|
| One: stay as things are | Remain together without starting couples therapy, for now | The counsellor remains available as a resource |
| Two: separation or divorce | Move towards ending the relationship | Agree principles for how to separate, and connect with professionals who support a constructive divorce |
| Three: six months of couples therapy | Commit to working on the relationship, with divorce off the table for six months | Couples therapy begins, with a written agenda of changes each partner will make in themselves |
Path one: stay as things are
The first path is to keep the relationship as it is, without separating and without starting couples therapy. It means that neither separating nor working on the relationship is the right step yet.
In the published protocol, the counsellor offers to be available if the couple wants to return to the question later.
Path two: separation or divorce
The second path is to move towards ending the relationship. Discernment counselling does not stop there. The counsellor helps the couple put into words how they both want to behave during the separation, for example treating each other with respect or putting the children's needs first. The counsellor also helps them connect with divorce professionals and other services that support a constructive, cooperative separation.
A small study interviewed people who had been through discernment counselling and then divorced. They described the process as helpful for reaching clarity and honesty about the decision, and said it contributed to more cooperative co-parenting afterwards. The study was small, with eleven participants, and relied on their own accounts.
Path three: six months of couples therapy
The third path is a commitment to six months of couples therapy, with divorce off the table during that time. The aim is to find out whether the couple can build a healthier relationship. At the end of six months, they decide again, this time based on having made a full effort.
Couples therapy on this path starts with a written agenda of the changes each partner wants to make in themselves, not in the other person. Other services may be part of the plan, such as an assessment for alcohol use, personal therapy or a couples retreat. The developers of discernment counselling describe a clear line between the end of discernment counselling and the start of therapy, and the same practitioner usually continues as the couples therapist.
What happens to couples on each path
The developers of discernment counselling described 100 consecutive couples from the project in Minnesota where the method was developed:
- 47% chose path three, reconciliation through couples therapy.
- 41% chose path two, separation or divorce.
- 12% chose path one, staying as they were.
They followed these couples up for an average of more than two years. Of those who chose separation, 90% were divorced or in the process of divorcing. Of those who chose the six-month reconciliation path, similar proportions had reconciled or were still working on it (42%) or had divorced or were divorcing (45%), with the rest neither pursuing divorce nor actively reconciling.
These figures describe what happened. They do not show what would have happened without discernment counselling, because there was no comparison group, and the authors note that the longer-term information was less precise than the record of which path each couple chose.
Making the decision
The aim of the final session is not a perfect decision but a clear and confident one, based on a better understanding of what has happened in the relationship and of each person's part in it. The developers of discernment counselling saw the spread of paths in their project as a sign that couples were seriously weighing their options, not simply using the process to confirm a decision already made.
Common questions
Is choosing to separate a failure of discernment counselling?
No. Its developers are explicit that divorce is not considered a failure. The aim is a decision made with clarity and confidence, and for some couples that decision is to separate.
Can we change our minds after choosing a path?
Yes. Choosing a path is a decision about what to do next, not a permanent verdict. Couples who choose to stay as they are can return to the question later, and the six-month path ends with a fresh decision.
Why six months?
The six months gives the couple a defined period in which to make a full effort at reconciliation, with divorce off the table. At the end, they decide whether to commit to the relationship or end it, either way knowing that they have tried properly.
Does the counsellor recommend a path?
The counsellor helps each person think through what each path would mean, but the decision belongs to the couple. The goal is that both people understand why they are taking the path they choose.
In Lucy Orton's discernment counselling, the end of the process includes a written summary of your decision and a follow-up call four to six weeks later, whichever path you choose.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Emerson, A. J., Harris, S. M., & Ahmed, F. A. (2021). The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(1), 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.