What happens in discernment counselling sessions?

Before the first session

Discernment counselling (discernment counseling in the US) usually begins with a separate conversation with each partner. In the project where the method was developed, these were phone calls. They establish where each person stands, whether one is leaning out and the other leaning in, and whether the process is suitable. They also screen for coercion and for the risk of violence.

Only once both conversations have taken place is the first session booked.

The shape of every session

Each session follows the same pattern, described in the published protocol:

1. Both partners together, briefly. At the first session this includes background, which is why the first session is longer. In later sessions it is a short check-in.
2. A conversation with one partner on their own. This is where most of the work happens.
3. A short summary from that partner to the other. The partner shares what they have learned in their individual time, in a structured way, with the counsellor's help.
4. A conversation with the other partner on their own.
5. A short summary from the second partner.
6. Closing remarks from the counsellor, with both partners present.

The first session lasts two hours. Later sessions last an hour and a half. The developers describe the individual conversations as the intensive part of the work, with carefully organised sharing in between.

What the counsellor does not do

Discernment counselling deliberately avoids the usual work of couples therapy. When both partners are in the room, the counsellor does not try to help them communicate better, feel closer or solve problems together. The couple is encouraged not to expect their relationship difficulties to change during the process.

There are two reasons for this. First, the couple has not agreed to work on the relationship, so there is no basis for doing so. Second, the partners arrive with different goals, and trying to bring them together too early tends to backfire. The developers list this first among the common mistakes made by therapists new to the method.

The conversation with the partner who is leaning out

With the partner who is leaning out, the counsellor focuses on the decision. What are the three paths, and what would each mean? Why have earlier attempts to solve the problems not worked? What has this partner contributed to the difficulties?

The counsellor takes this partner's reasons for leaving seriously, while keeping open the possibility of restoring the relationship. The aim is not to talk them out of anything but to help them decide well.

The conversation with the partner who is leaning in

With the partner who is leaning in, the focus shifts. The counsellor helps them hear what their partner is saying about the relationship, respond constructively during a time of great stress, and use the crisis as a reason to look at their own part.

This often includes helping them avoid patterns that tend to push a doubtful partner further away, such as pursuing, pleading or scolding.

Seeing the pattern

With both partners, the counsellor helps describe the pattern the couple creates together. Simply hearing their pattern described is new for most couples. Once they can see it, each partner is often more able to recognise their own role in it.

How confidentiality works

Because so much happens in private conversations, confidentiality is handled carefully. The counsellor does not pass on what one partner says. They may share their own impressions and reactions drawn from both conversations. For example, a counsellor would not say "your partner told me they still love you", but might say that they sense care going both ways, even if it is hard to see.

Secrets such as an affair are held in confidence during discernment counselling. If the couple chooses to try reconciliation through couples therapy, such secrets would generally need to be shared as part of that plan.

Deciding whether to continue

At the end of each session, both partners decide separately whether to come back for another. This gives the partner who is leaning out a real say in the process, which is part of what makes it workable for someone who is reluctant to commit to therapy. The maximum is five sessions.

The final session

In the last session, the couple chooses one of three paths: stay as things are for now, move towards separation or divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy with separation off the table. What happens next depends on the path they choose.

Common questions

References

1. Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
2. Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com