Can discernment counselling be done online or across countries?
Discernment counselling can be offered online, including to couples who live in different cities or countries. The structure stays the same: brief joint time, separate conversations with each partner, and short shared summaries. What matters most online is that each partner has a private space where they cannot be overheard during their individual time.
The structure does not depend on a room
Discernment counselling, spelled discernment counseling in the US, has a clear structure: a brief time with both partners, a conversation with one partner on their own, a short summary to the other, a conversation with the second partner, their summary, and closing remarks from the counsellor. The published protocol describes how sessions are organised, not where they take place.
That structure can be carried online. The joint parts happen with both partners on the call. The individual conversations happen with one partner on the call while the other waits elsewhere. The summaries happen with both partners back together.
The research published so far on discernment counselling describes couples seen in person. There is no specific research yet on online discernment counselling, so the case for it rests on the structure of the method and on the wider experience of online couples work, not on direct evidence.
Why some couples prefer it online
Online discernment counselling can suit couples who:
- Live apart. Some couples have already separated physically. Others live in different cities or countries for work.
- Travel often. Finding a series of dates when both partners can be in the same place may be difficult.
- Value discretion. Some couples prefer not to be seen going to a counsellor's office, or have public roles.
- Want a particular practitioner. Online work widens the choice of counsellors trained in discernment counselling.
The most important thing: privacy for individual time
Discernment counselling depends on honest individual conversations. Online, that means each partner needs somewhere they cannot be overheard while they speak with the counsellor, and the other partner needs to be fully out of earshot while they wait.
Practical steps that help:
- Use separate rooms, with doors closed, if you are in the same home.
- Use headphones during your individual time, so the counsellor's voice cannot be heard by anyone else.
- Agree how the switch will work. The counsellor will tell each partner when to leave and rejoin the call. Some practitioners use a separate link or waiting room for this.
- Do not record sessions, and agree that neither partner will.
- Turn off notifications and let others in the house know not to come in.
If you cannot find a private space at home, it may be better to join from somewhere else, such as a booked private room, than to speak with someone nearby.
Deciding whether to continue
Online, as in person, each partner decides at the end of every session whether to come back, up to a maximum of five sessions. This choice is one of the features that gives the partner who is leaning out a real say in the process. When you are joining from separate places, it can help to agree in advance how each of you will let the counsellor know your decision, so that neither feels watched or pressured while making it.
Working across time zones
When partners are in different places, scheduling becomes part of the plan. Sessions need to fall at a reasonable time for both, and for the counsellor. Each partner also needs a little time afterwards to sit with what has come up, which is harder if a session ends just before a working day starts.
Discernment counselling as an online intensive
Some practitioners, including Lucy Orton, offer discernment counselling in a concentrated format, with the sessions spread over a few days. This is not part of discernment counselling as its developers published it. It is an adaptation by individual practitioners, and it has not been researched.
The published protocol describes the number and length of sessions but does not say how far apart they should be. A concentrated format aims to keep the same session structure, with time between meetings for each partner to reflect, and may suit couples who live apart or travel often. Whether it works as well as sessions spread over a longer period is not known, because it has not been studied.
Safety online
The same screening applies online as in person. Before beginning, the counsellor speaks with each partner separately, including about fear, coercion and the risk of violence. Online work can make it harder for a counsellor to know whether someone is being overheard or pressured, so the screening matters at least as much. If either partner does not feel able to speak freely at home, that needs to be raised and addressed before discernment counselling begins.
Common questions
Do we need to be in the same room for joint time?
No. Partners can join from the same place or from separate locations. If you are in the same home, it helps to use separate devices and rooms, so that the move between joint and individual time is simple.
Can a counsellor in another country work with us?
Often, yes, but it depends on the rules where you live and on how the practitioner is registered. It is reasonable to ask any online practitioner how they work with clients in your country.
What if one of us is uncomfortable on video?
Say so at screening. Some discomfort is normal and usually eases. If one partner finds online work very difficult, it may be worth considering whether an in-person format would suit you better.
What happens if the connection drops during my individual time?
Agree a plan in advance. Usually the counsellor will call back or reconnect on the same link, and your partner will not be brought back into the call until your individual time is finished.
Lucy Orton's discernment counselling intensive runs online, with meetings scheduled across time zones. You can be in the same place or in different places, as long as you each have privacy for your one-to-one time. This concentrated format is Lucy's own adaptation. It is not part of discernment counselling as Doherty and colleagues published it, and it has not been researched.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.