Who is discernment counselling for?
Discernment counselling is for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and has not made a final decision, and the other partner is leaning in and wants to preserve it. It is designed for married or long-term committed couples for whom a break-up is a real possibility. Both partners need to be taking part freely.
The couple it was designed for
Discernment counselling (in the US, discernment counseling) was developed for a specific and common situation. One partner is leaning out of the relationship. They are seriously considering separation or divorce but have not made a final decision, and they doubt that couples therapy can help. The other partner is leaning in. They want to keep the relationship and are willing to work on it.
The developers of discernment counselling call these mixed-agenda couples. Their review of the research suggested that such couples make up a meaningful share of those who come for couples therapy, that they respond differently to standard couples work, and that they are at high risk of separating.
What "leaning out" means
A partner who is leaning out is asking themselves whether to stay. They may have been unhappy for a long time, or something may have happened that shook their confidence in the relationship. They may have tried couples therapy before. They may have spoken to a lawyer.
What makes them a candidate for discernment counselling is that they have not finished deciding. The Doherty Relationship Institute describes the person it is for as someone who is not sure they want to stay and doubts that couples therapy can help. Discernment counselling accepts that ambivalence instead of trying to overcome it.
What "leaning in" means
A partner who is leaning in wants the relationship to continue. They are usually more hopeful about couples therapy, and often more anxious. They may be shocked by how far their partner has moved away, or they may have seen it coming for some time.
Discernment counselling supports this partner too, but differently. The focus is on hearing what their partner is saying about the relationship, responding constructively under pressure, and using the crisis to look at their own part in the difficulties.
The conditions that make it a good fit
Drawing on the published account of the method, discernment counselling fits best when:
- The relationship is serious. The couple is married or in a long-term committed relationship.
- A break-up is a real possibility. This is not a routine rough patch. Separation or divorce has been raised as a real option.
- The partner who is leaning out has not made a final decision. If they have, the process is not designed to help them persuade their partner to accept it.
- The partner who is leaning out is reluctant to start couples therapy. If both want to try therapy, couples therapy is the better starting point.
- Both partners are taking part freely. Practitioners screen for coercion and for the risk of violence before beginning.
How suitability is checked
In the Minnesota project where the method was developed, each partner had a separate screening conversation by phone before anything was booked. The counsellor asked each person how they hoped discernment counselling could help them. A partner who wanted help deciding whether to stay was understood to be leaning out. A partner who hoped to avoid divorce and improve the relationship was understood to be leaning in.
The same conversations were used to screen out people who had already made a final decision to divorce and wanted a setting to help their partner accept it, and to screen for coercion and the risk of violence.
When the roles shift
The labels describe a starting point. The developers of discernment counselling observed that some partners shift during the process, from leaning in to leaning out and the other way round. A partner who arrived certain they wanted to leave may become curious about repair, and a partner who arrived desperate to stay may find they have their own doubts. This is part of the process, and the counsellor works with each person as they are in each session.
Who it is for, in practice
A partner considering discernment counselling might put it in one of these ways:
- "I have one foot out of the door, and I do not know whether to take the other one out."
- "We have done couples therapy before, and I cannot face doing it again unless I know it is worth it."
- "My partner says they want to leave, and I will do whatever it takes to keep us together."
- "We have started talking about separating, but neither of us is sure."
If one of these sounds like you, or like your partner, discernment counselling may be worth considering.
Common questions
What if I do not know whether I am leaning in or leaning out?
That is common. The roles are working descriptions, not labels, and some people shift between them during the process. The screening conversations before the first session help clarify where each person stands.
Is it for same-sex couples?
Yes. The process is about the decision, not the type of relationship. The first published account of discernment counselling included same-sex couples, and practitioners offer it to any committed couple where the future of the relationship is in question.
My partner has already moved out. Is it too late?
Not necessarily. What matters is whether the partner who has left has made a final decision. If they are still unsure, discernment counselling can help, even if the couple is already living apart.
We have children. Does that change anything?
It does not change who discernment counselling is for, but it often raises the stakes of the decision. If a couple chooses to separate, discernment counselling can help them agree how they want to treat each other during the process, including putting the children's needs first.
Before discernment counselling with Lucy Orton begins, there is a private screening call with each partner, which helps establish whether it is the right next step for you both.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.