When is discernment counselling not appropriate?

Fear, violence and coercion come first

The most important situation where discernment counselling, or discernment counseling in US spelling, is not appropriate is where one partner is afraid of the other. This includes physical violence, threats, sexual coercion, and controlling behaviour such as monitoring, isolating someone from friends and family, or controlling money.

In the project where discernment counselling was developed, couples were screened in separate conversations with each partner for coercion and for the risk of intimate partner violence before any session was booked. Separate screening matters, because a partner who is afraid may not be able to say so with the other present.

Joint sessions can put a partner at risk where there is fear or control in the relationship. Anything said in the room can be used against them afterwards, and working on the relationship can imply that both people share responsibility for behaviour that is one person's alone. Where this is the situation, the priority is the safety of the person who is afraid, and support from a domestic abuse service.

What screening involves

In the Minnesota project, couples were asked to read a description of discernment counselling before screening. Each partner then had a separate telephone conversation, in which they were asked an open question: how could discernment counselling be useful to them? Their answer showed whether they were leaning out, wanting help deciding whether to stay, or leaning in, hoping to avoid divorce and improve the relationship. The same conversations covered coercion and the risk of violence. Only after both conversations was a first appointment made.

Where one partner has already decided

Discernment counselling is for couples where the partner who is leaning out has not yet made a final decision. Its developers are explicit that it is not a form of "closure counselling", in which one partner has already decided to leave and wants a setting to help the other accept it.

In the Minnesota project, people who said they had already made a final decision to divorce and wanted help for their partner to accept it were screened out. The process depends on a real decision still being open.

That does not mean there is no help for couples in this position. Individual support for each partner, and help with separating constructively, especially where there are children, may be the right next step.

Where either partner is being pressured to attend

Both partners need to come freely. A partner who is attending only because they have been pressured, whether by their partner, family or anyone else, cannot take part in the decision in the way the process requires. Screening for coercion covers this as well as risk of harm.

Where both partners want to work on the relationship

Discernment counselling is designed for mixed-agenda couples. If both partners already want to work on the relationship, even if they are unsure whether it can succeed, the process is unnecessary. Couples therapy, whether weekly or in a concentrated format, is the better starting point, because the decision discernment counselling exists to reach has already been made.

Where one partner will not take part

Discernment counselling needs both partners. It works with each person separately and with the way they share what they learn. If one partner will not come, individual therapy may help the other think through their position and what they want to do.

Other situations to raise at screening

Some situations do not automatically rule discernment counselling out, but need to be discussed at screening, because they may affect whether it is the right step now:

• A current mental health crisis for either partner, including thoughts of suicide
• Active alcohol or drug dependence
• An ongoing affair
• A legal process that is already well advanced

In each case, the screening conversation is the place to work out the right order of support. The published protocol notes that a plan following discernment counselling may include other services, such as an alcohol assessment or personal therapy, alongside couples therapy.

If discernment counselling is not right for you

Being told that discernment counselling is not the right fit is a decision about what will help most, and when. A good practitioner will explain why and talk with you about what to do instead.

Common questions

References

1. Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
2. Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com