Discernment counselling or couples therapy: which do we need?
If you both want to work on the relationship, couples therapy is usually the right place to start. If one of you is seriously considering leaving and doubts that therapy can help, while the other wants to keep trying, discernment counselling is designed for exactly that situation. The deciding question is not how bad things are, but whether you both want to try.
The question that decides it
Discernment counselling (discernment counseling in the US) and couples therapy are designed for different starting points. A good way to choose between them is to ask each partner, honestly and separately, one question: do you want to work on this relationship?
- If you both say yes, even if one of you is more hopeful than the other, couples therapy is usually the right starting point.
- If one of you says "I am not sure, and I doubt therapy would help", while the other says yes, you are what the developers of discernment counselling call a mixed-agenda couple. Discernment counselling was created for that situation.
- If one of you has already made a final decision to leave, neither is quite right. Discernment counselling is not designed to help one partner accept a decision that has already been made.
How distressed the relationship is does not decide it. Couples in discernment counselling are often in serious difficulty, but so are many couples who start couples therapy. What matters is whether both people are willing to try.
How the two differ
| Couples therapy | Discernment counselling | |
|---|---|---|
| Starting point | Both partners want to improve the relationship | One partner is leaning out, the other is leaning in |
| Goal | Repair the relationship | Clarity and confidence about what to do next |
| Length | Open-ended or agreed in advance | One to five sessions |
| Where the work happens | Mainly with both partners together | Mainly in separate conversations with each partner |
| Working on the relationship during sessions | Yes, this is the point | Deliberately avoided |
| Outcome | Change in the relationship | A decision between three paths |
Why couples therapy struggles with mixed agendas
Couples therapy depends on both people being willing to change something. When one partner is unsure whether they want the relationship at all, that foundation is missing. The developers of discernment counselling note that these couples tend to make halting progress in therapy, with early drop-out and frustration common.
The partner who is leaning out may feel pushed into repair before they have decided whether they want it. The partner who is leaning in may feel they are doing all the work. Sessions can become a negotiation about whether to be in therapy, instead of therapy itself.
What discernment counselling does instead
Discernment counselling stops trying to repair the relationship and focuses on the decision. Most of each session is spent in separate conversations, so the partner who is leaning out can explore their doubts honestly, and the partner who is leaning in can steady themselves and look at their own part.
At the end, the couple chooses one of three paths: stay as things are for now, move towards separation, or commit to six months of couples therapy with separation off the table. If they choose the third path, couples therapy begins, often with the same practitioner, and with a clear line between the end of discernment counselling and the start of therapy.
For many couples, discernment counselling is the step that makes couples therapy possible.
Signs that discernment counselling may fit
- One of you has said, or thought seriously, that you might want to end the relationship.
- That partner is reluctant to start couples therapy, or has been through it before without much hope.
- The other partner wants to keep the relationship and is willing to work on it.
- A separation has been discussed, or one of you has spoken to a lawyer, but no final decision has been made.
Signs that couples therapy may fit
- You both want the relationship to work, even if you are not sure how.
- Your difficulties are serious, but neither of you is actively considering leaving.
- You want to change a pattern, improve communication or recover from a rupture together.
Where a couples intensive fits
A couples intensive is a format for couples therapy, not a different starting point. It suits couples who both want to work on the relationship and who would benefit from concentrated time. Some couples move into a couples intensive after discernment counselling, if they choose the path of reconciliation.
Common questions
We have tried couples therapy before and it did not work. Which should we choose?
It depends on why it did not work. If one of you was already half out of the relationship, discernment counselling may be the better next step, because it addresses that directly. If you both wanted it to work but the approach did not suit you, a different form of couples therapy, or a more concentrated format, may help.
What if we start couples therapy and it turns out one of us is leaning out?
That happens, and the developers of discernment counselling describe it as one of the ways couples come to the process. A therapist may notice it in the first session or two and suggest shifting to discernment counselling before going further.
Can we do discernment counselling if we both feel unsure?
Discernment counselling is designed for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in. If you are both unsure, it is worth talking this through at a consultation, as the right starting point will depend on what each of you wants from the process.
Couples Awaken offers both discernment counselling and couples intensives, and a free consultation can help you work out which is the right place to start.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.