How do discernment counselling and a couples intensive fit together?
Discernment counselling and a couples intensive do different jobs. Discernment counselling helps a divided couple decide whether to work on the relationship. A couples intensive is concentrated couples therapy for a couple who has already decided to try. If discernment counselling ends with a decision to reconcile, a couples intensive can be one way to begin the six months of work that follow.
Two different jobs
Discernment counselling (discernment counseling in the US) and a couples intensive are sometimes confused, because both are concentrated forms of work with couples. They answer different questions.
| Discernment counselling | Couples intensive | |
|---|---|---|
| The question it answers | Should we try to work on this relationship? | How do we work on this relationship? |
| Who it is for | One partner leaning out, one leaning in | Both partners willing to work on the relationship |
| Where the work happens | Mainly in separate conversations | Mainly with both partners together |
| Working on the relationship | Deliberately avoided | The whole point |
| Length | One to five sessions | Usually one to several days, agreed in advance |
Why they are kept separate
It might seem efficient to combine the two: decide whether to try, and then start trying straight away. Discernment counselling's developers argue against blurring them. The method avoids any attempt to improve the relationship while the partners are divided, because there is no agreement to do so and because their goals are different at the start.
When a couple does choose to reconcile, the published protocol marks an explicit line between the end of discernment counselling and the start of couples therapy. Couples therapy then begins with a written agenda of the changes each partner wants to make in themselves.
Keeping the two separate protects the decision. A partner who is leaning out needs to know they are deciding, not being drawn into repair by stages. A partner who is leaning in needs to know that if repair begins, it is because both people chose it.
Moving from discernment counselling to an intensive
If discernment counselling ends with the third path, six months of couples therapy with divorce off the table, the couple then needs to decide how that therapy will be delivered. Weekly sessions are one option. A couples intensive is another, and it can be a useful way to start.
Starting the six months with an intensive may help in several ways, although this has not been studied:
- It uses the momentum of the decision. Couples often leave discernment counselling with a clearer picture of their pattern and of what each needs to change. An intensive allows that to be worked on straight away.
- It gives the written agenda concentrated attention. The changes each partner has committed to can be explored in depth, not in fifty-minute pieces.
- It makes the commitment concrete. Clearing several days for the relationship is itself a statement that both people are taking the six months seriously.
The rest of the six months still matters. An intensive at the start usually needs to be followed by further sessions, so that changes can be practised, reviewed and adjusted, and so that the decision at six months is based on how the relationship has actually been, not just on how it felt in the days of the intensive.
What the research does and does not show
There is no published research on combining discernment counselling with a couples intensive. Each has a small evidence base of its own. Discernment counselling has been described in a series of 100 couples, without a comparison group. Research on couples intensives is also limited: one study of 118 married couples who took part in an intensive form of a couples therapy called Restoration Therapy found greater relationship satisfaction a month afterwards, sustained two years later, but it relied on self-report and had no comparison group.
The case for combining them is practical: one clarifies the decision, and the other offers concentrated time to act on it. It is reasonable, but it has not been tested.
If you are unsure which you need
The deciding question is whether both partners want to work on the relationship. If you both do, a couples intensive or couples therapy is the place to start. If one of you is leaning out, discernment counselling comes first. A consultation can help you work out which applies, especially if you are not sure where your partner stands.
Common questions
Can we skip discernment counselling and go straight to a couples intensive?
If you both want to work on the relationship, yes. If one of you is leaning out and unsure whether to try, starting with an intensive risks spending concentrated time on repair that one partner has not agreed to.
Can discernment counselling itself be done as an intensive?
Some practitioners, including Lucy Orton, offer it in a concentrated format, with the sessions spread over a few days. This is their own adaptation. It is not part of discernment counselling as its developers published it, and it has not been researched, so it is not known whether it works as well as the published format.
Do we have to use the same practitioner for both?
No, but the developers of discernment counselling note that the discernment counsellor usually becomes the couples therapist. Sometimes a referral to someone with different expertise, such as a sex therapist, makes more sense.
What if we choose to stay as we are, but later want an intensive?
That is possible. Choosing to stay as things are is a decision about now, not forever. If both partners later want to work on the relationship, a couples intensive or couples therapy can begin then.
At Couples Awaken, couples who choose to try again after discernment counselling with Lucy Orton move into a six-month programme that begins with a two-day intensive, followed by a longer session each month, a review at three months and a fresh decision at six.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Ahlquist, L. R., & Hargrave, T. D. (2022). Effectiveness of Restoration Therapy in an intensive model. The Family Journal, 30(3), 301-306. doi:10.1177/10664807211052481
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.