I'm the one leaning out. What can discernment counselling offer me?
Discernment counselling gives the partner who is leaning out a private space to think through whether to stay, without being pushed into couples therapy or talked out of their reasons. You keep a say at every stage, because you decide after each session whether to continue. You will also be asked to look honestly at your own part in the difficulties, which is useful whatever you decide.
Why the partner who is leaning out matters most to the process
Discernment counselling, spelled discernment counseling in the US, was designed with the partner who is leaning out in mind. In ordinary couples therapy, that partner often feels outnumbered: their partner wants to fix things, the therapist is there to help fix things, and they are not sure they want things fixed at all. Many leave therapy early, or stay in it without really taking part.
Discernment counselling changes that. Its developers chose to call it counselling, not therapy, partly to make it less daunting for a partner who is reluctant to start couples therapy. The process asks you to think carefully about a decision, without asking you to commit to repair.
What you can expect
Your reasons will be taken seriously
The counsellor's job is not to talk you out of leaving. In the published description of the method, the counsellor respects the reasons for separating while also opening up the possibility of restoring the relationship. You will not be treated as the problem, and separation is treated as a legitimate outcome.
You will have private time
Most of each session is spent in a one-to-one conversation between you and the counsellor. This is where you can say what you actually think and feel about the relationship, including things you have not said to your partner. The counsellor does not repeat what you say in private.
You keep a say in whether to continue
The only initial commitment is the first session. At the end of each session, you and your partner each decide whether to come back, up to a maximum of five sessions. This is designed to give you, as the partner who is leaning out, real control over the process.
You will not be asked to work on the relationship yet
When both of you are in the room, the counsellor does not try to improve the relationship. You will not be asked to be vulnerable with your partner or to practise new ways of communicating. That work only begins if you both choose it, at the end.
What you will be asked to look at
Discernment counselling is not only a space to explain why you want to leave. The individual conversations with the partner who is leaning out focus on three things:
- The decision itself. What each of the three paths would mean for you: staying as things are, separating, or trying six months of couples therapy with separation off the table.
- Why earlier attempts have not worked. If you have tried to solve the problems before, through talking, therapy or changes at home, what got in the way?
- Your own part. What have you contributed to the difficulties? The point is what is within your control, and it does not mean your partner has no part.
The third of these can be uncomfortable. The developers of discernment counselling note that a common mistake for new practitioners is to focus only on the partner who is leaning in, out of fear of pushing the partner who is leaning out away. A well-run process will gently challenge you too.
Why looking at your own part helps either way
One of the sayings in discernment counselling is that you cannot divorce yourself. Whatever you decide, the patterns you bring to relationships come with you.
- If you choose to try reconciliation, understanding your own part means you go into couples therapy with something to work on, instead of waiting for your partner to change.
- If you choose to separate, understanding your part can prepare you for healthier relationships in the future, and for a more cooperative separation, which matters especially if you share children.
Using the process fairly
The developers of discernment counselling observed that a few partners who were leaning out appeared to use their position to win concessions from a partner desperate to keep the relationship. The counsellor challenges this in the individual conversations.
Discernment counselling works best when the partner who is leaning out takes part openly and uses it to decide, with as much clarity as possible, what they want to do and why.
Common questions
Is discernment counselling just a way of getting me to stay?
No. The counsellor takes your reasons for leaving seriously and treats separation as a legitimate outcome. The process keeps open the possibility of reconciliation without assuming it is the right answer.
What if I am fairly sure I want to leave?
If you are leaning strongly towards leaving but have not finally decided, discernment counselling can still help you make that decision with more confidence. If your decision is already final, it is not the right process, and it is fairer to say so.
Will I have to talk about everything in front of my partner?
No. Most of the work happens in your individual time. You decide what to share in the short summaries that follow, and the counsellor does not pass on what you say in private.
What if I decide to leave? Was it a waste of time?
Not necessarily. In a small study of people who chose divorce after discernment counselling, participants said it helped them reach clarity and honesty about the decision and supported more cooperative co-parenting afterwards.
In discernment counselling with Lucy Orton, most of the time is spent with each partner individually, so you can be fully honest without managing your partner's reaction. Nobody will push you to stay.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Emerson, A. J., Harris, S. M., & Ahmed, F. A. (2021). The impact of discernment counseling on individuals who decide to divorce: Experiences of post-divorce communication and coparenting. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 47(1), 36-51. doi:10.1111/jmft.12463
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.