For wealth advisers and family offices: when a client's relationship crisis needs a therapist
Wealth advisers and family office teams often see the first signs of a relationship crisis: sudden changes in instructions, questions about separating assets, or tension between spouses in meetings. When the difficulty is about the relationship itself, the right help is usually a couples therapist or, where one spouse is leaning out and the other wants to try, discernment counselling. Advisers do not need to diagnose anything. Knowing what kinds of help exist, and how to suggest them discreetly, is usually enough.
Advisers often see it first
Wealth advisers, private bankers and family office professionals are often among the first to notice that a marriage is in difficulty. The signs tend to arrive through the work itself:
- Instructions that change suddenly, or that come from one spouse without the other
- Questions about separating assets, accounts or trusts
- Tension, silence or open conflict between spouses in meetings
- A spouse asking for information they would not usually ask for
- Decisions being delayed or reversed without a clear financial reason
These signs do not mean a separation is happening, and they are not for an adviser to interpret. They may mean a client is carrying a personal difficulty alongside their financial affairs.
When the issue is the relationship, not the plan
Advisers are skilled at helping clients plan for change, including separation. Sometimes, though, the question a client is really facing comes before any division of assets: whether to separate at all. That question belongs with a therapist.
Some indications that a client may benefit from relationship help:
- They seem unsure whether they want to separate, or say different things at different meetings
- They mention that their spouse wants to try counselling
- They describe the relationship, not the money, as the problem
- They seem distressed, isolated or unable to make decisions they would normally make easily
What kinds of help exist
| Situation | Help that is designed for it |
|---|---|
| Both spouses want to work on the relationship | Couples therapy, weekly or in a concentrated format |
| One spouse is leaning out, the other wants to try | Discernment counselling: one to five sessions to decide whether to attempt repair |
| One spouse has decided to separate | Family lawyers and, where appropriate, mediation; individual support for each spouse |
| One person is struggling, whatever happens to the relationship | Individual therapy |
| Anyone is at risk of harm | Emergency services and domestic abuse services, before any joint work |
Discernment counselling has particular relevance in this setting. It was developed for couples where one spouse is leaning towards divorce but has not decided, and it began through a collaboration with family lawyers and a family court judge. It helps a couple make the decision about the relationship before the legal and financial consequences take over.
Raising it discreetly
Advisers will have their own judgement about when and how to raise a personal matter. Some principles that may help:
- Respond to what the client brings. If a client raises a personal difficulty, it is reasonable to mention that specialist help exists. If they do not, it may not be your place to raise it.
- Offer information, not advice. Describing the kinds of help that exist is different from telling a client what to do about their marriage.
- Keep it private. Raise it with the client alone, not in a meeting with others present, and keep any notes to what is necessary.
- Respect the boundary. The client decides whether to act on it, and whether anyone else should know.
If a client does separate
If a client decides to separate, the adviser's usual work continues, often alongside family lawyers and, in some places, mediators. Where a couple has been through discernment counselling and chosen to separate, they will usually have agreed some principles for how they want to conduct the process, which may help the professionals around them.
Confidentiality on the therapeutic side
Clients and advisers sometimes worry about what a therapist would share. Therapists are bound by their professional codes of ethics to keep what clients say confidential, within limits that normally include serious risk of harm and some legal requirements. A therapist would not normally speak to a client's adviser without the client's consent, and the therapeutic work is kept separate from financial and legal matters.
Choosing who to suggest
If you keep a list of professionals to suggest to clients, it is worth checking their training, registration and confidentiality practices, and whether they have experience with clients whose lives involve significant wealth, shared businesses and visibility. The article on choosing a psychotherapist as a high-net-worth individual sets out neutral criteria.
This article is general information for professionals, not legal or financial advice.
Common questions
Is it my place to suggest therapy to a client?
Many advisers feel cautious about this, and that caution is reasonable. Offering information about the kinds of help that exist, when a client raises a personal difficulty, is different from giving advice about their relationship.
What if only one spouse is my client?
Then any suggestion goes to that client, who can decide whether and how to raise it with their spouse. Relationship help usually needs both partners, but individual therapy is an option where only one is willing.
Should the family office arrange therapy for a client?
It can help with logistics if the client wants it to, but therapy is private. It is worth confirming with the client how much, if anything, the office should know, and keeping arrangements to the minimum the client needs.
What if I am worried about someone's safety?
If you believe someone is at immediate risk of harm, contact local emergency services. Concerns about domestic abuse can also be raised with specialist domestic abuse services, which can advise on what to do.
Lucy Orton works with individuals and couples whose lives involve significant wealth, shared businesses and family structures, in confidential intensive formats online worldwide.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Australian Counselling Association. Code of Ethics and Practice, version 16, sections 9 to 12 (confidentiality and records). theaca.net.au
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.