Discernment counselling for expat and international couples
Discernment counselling (spelled discernment counseling in the US) can work for couples living abroad, couples from different home countries and couples in different time zones, usually online. The method is the same. What international couples bring is extra weight on the decision: which country home is, what happens to children and residency if they separate, and how far each partner is from family and support. Those questions belong in the individual conversations, and the legal ones with a lawyer in the right country.
The same method, a different setting
Discernment counselling, spelled discernment counseling in the US, is designed for couples where one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in. Its published structure is one to five sessions, mostly separate conversations with each partner, a short shared summary after each, and a choice between three paths at the end. That structure works for international couples as it does for anyone.
What differs is the setting around the decision. For couples living outside their home countries, or from different countries, a decision about the relationship is often tangled up with decisions about where to live, where children will grow up and what each partner's life would look like if they separated.
What international couples often carry
| Situation | What it can add to the decision |
|---|---|
| Living abroad for one partner's work | The other partner may have given up a career, friends and family support, and may feel they have the most to lose |
| Different home countries | Each partner may imagine a different future home, and separation may mean living on different continents |
| Children | Where children would live, which school system, which language, and how far each parent would be from them |
| Residency and visas | One partner's right to stay in a country may depend on the other's job or the marriage |
| Distance from support | Family and old friends may be many hours away, and new friendships may be shared with the partner |
| Time zones | Partners may already be living apart for work, with little overlap in their days |
| Language and culture | Different expectations of marriage, family and divorce, sometimes expressed in a second language |
These are not reasons to avoid discernment counselling. They are reasons why a careful decision matters.
Where these questions belong
In discernment counselling, the practical stakes of each path are discussed honestly, mostly in each partner's individual time. A partner who is leaning out might need to look at whether the wish to leave is really about the relationship, or partly about the country, the isolation or a career left behind. A partner who is leaning in might need to say how frightened they are of what separation would mean for them in a place where they have little support.
What discernment counselling does not do is give legal or immigration advice. Questions about which country's family law applies, where children could live after a separation, or what happens to a visa belong with a family lawyer, ideally one with experience of international cases, and sometimes with an immigration specialist.
How it works across time zones
Most international couples do discernment counselling online. Some practical points:
- Scheduling. Meetings need to fall at a reasonable hour for both partners and the counsellor. Each partner also needs a little time afterwards to sit with what has come up.
- Privacy for individual time. Each partner needs a private space where they cannot be overheard during their individual conversation, wherever they are.
- Separate locations. If partners are in different places, each joins from their own device. The shared parts work much as they would in one room.
- Connection problems. It helps to agree in advance what happens if a call drops, especially during individual time.
Some practitioners also offer discernment counselling over consecutive days, which can suit couples who are only in the same place for a short time. That is a practitioner's own adaptation of the method, not part of the published model, and it has not been researched.
Safety across borders
Screening for fear, coercion and the risk of violence happens before discernment counselling begins, in separate conversations with each partner. Living abroad can make some people more vulnerable: dependent on a partner for residency, far from family, or unsure where to go for help. If either partner feels unsafe, discernment counselling is not the right starting point, and local emergency services or a domestic abuse service are.
If you choose a path
- If you choose to stay as things are, it is worth agreeing when you will revisit the question, especially if a move or contract ending is coming up.
- If you choose to separate, discernment counselling helps you agree how you want to treat each other during the process, which matters even more when children may be moving between countries.
- If you choose to try reconciliation, six months of couples therapy follows, which can be delivered online so that it continues if either of you moves.
This article is general information, not legal or immigration advice.
Common questions
We live in different countries at the moment. Can we still do discernment counselling?
Yes, online. Each partner joins from their own location for their individual time, and both join together for the shared parts. The main practical challenge is finding times that work in both time zones.
We speak different first languages. Does that matter?
It can. Discernment counselling depends on each person being able to say exactly what they mean in their individual time. It is worth discussing at screening, and in some cases a counsellor who speaks both languages, or a different arrangement, may be better.
Which country's rules apply if we separate?
That is a legal question and depends on where you live, where you married, your nationalities and any agreements you have. A discernment counsellor cannot answer it. A family lawyer with experience of international cases can.
One of us moved for the other's job. Will that be held against anyone?
No. Discernment counselling avoids blame and focuses on each person's contribution and what they want now. The sacrifices each partner has made are often an important part of the individual conversations.
Lucy Orton is trained in Discernment Counseling through the Doherty Relationship Institute and offers it internationally and online, with meetings scheduled across time zones.
References
- Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2016). Discernment counseling for ‘mixed-agenda’ couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi:10.1111/jmft.12132
- Doherty Relationship Institute. Discernment Counseling. discernmentcounseling.com
If you feel unsafe with your partner or are afraid of them, couples work and discernment counselling are not the right starting point. Please contact a domestic abuse service or local emergency services.
This page is general information about intensive therapy. It is not a substitute for individual assessment or advice, and reading it does not create a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis or at risk of harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line now. How these articles are written and checked: our editorial standards.